5 People to Annoy Voldemort
by Mad-Eyes4U
Summary: [Partial Mary Sue] In the heat of the Second War, Joey, Matt, Lori, Jess and Kris are sent to Voldemort's stronghold to find out information for the Order...or at least annoy the heck out of Voldemort. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Note: Harry Potter and all its characters, creatures and settings are owned and created by JKR and corresponding owners. But I own the souls of Matt, Jess, Kris, Joey and Lori…just not the souls of the people they represent.

**CHAPTER 1**

"Now, you all remember what you have to do?" Remus asked the five of them.

Matt, Joey, Jess, Kris and Lori continued to snore, heads on each others shoulders, on the train car. It was heading towards London, the centre of the Second War at the time. The four were meant to infiltrate Voldemort's headquarters and get as much information on his habits as possible, in order to for the Order to get a better ground on their enemy. From the looks of it, however, they wouldn't get much.

The train came to a screeching halt; Matt snorted himself awake, causing the rest of them to raise their heads, Remus' disappointing face greeting their sleepy eyes.

Remus shook his head. "You all have to take this seriously. This is war!"

With a serious expression on her face, Lori strapped on an army helmet, in a pink camouflage pattern. Painting below her eyes with black face paint, Lori then loaded her rifle. Nearly breaking everyone else's eardrums, she shouted, "Ready, sir!"

"Lori, put that thing down, and Jess…" Remus turned to her, "please, put that…whatever it is, away."

Jess put down the portable television, shutting off SG-1 from her viewing. Sullen, she looked at Remus with puppy dog eyes, hoping to convince him to let her put it back on. Remus wasn't easily won over; he just glared back at her with a disproving look.

"Just so you know, Artemis," he said, pointing to the gray and brown Great Horned owl on his shoulder, "will be sending our owls and sending yours. Keep an eye out for him."

The bird hissed; Joey crouched further back onto the car seat. "That is, if we have eyes to look with."

"Let us know if he's onto you, we'll get you out of there as soon as we can. Kris, since you seem to be the most sensible out of them all, I'm leaving you…"

His sentence trailed off as he stared with an eyebrow raised at Kris hugging a picture of her favorite TV character, Vaughn, whispering cutesy words, swaying back and forth.

Remus finished his sentence in an exasperated sigh. "…in charge of them."

* * *

Following the map they were given to by Mad-eye Moody, the five of them finally reached the door of the dark fortress. Ooze seeped from the crevasses of the walls, ravens squawked and owls hooted from dark corners of the surrounding trees as thunder passed overhead.

"So, where's the doorbell to this place?" Matt asked, out of breath from the long hike up the hill. He still couldn't believe he had to walk, even if it was to save the world. "You know, Remus _could_ have rented us a car, and then we could have driven up here."

Kris rolled her eyes. "Yeah, up what road? And with what money? And what license?"

"Oh."

Lori walked up to the door, inspecting the old rusty lock. She shook it but it wouldn't come loose. "I suppose since we're wizards we have to open it like wizards do."

Anticipating for her to take out her wand, the group huddled around her, waiting to see the first spell preformed by any of them in a long time. But she did the opposite; she banged on the double doors.

"Hello? Anyone in there?"

"Hey! What are you doing down there?" a voiced called from one of the watch towers. A stout man with small watery eyes, a pointed nose and colorless unkempt hair with a bald spot in the back stood with his wand erect, held by his grubby skinned hands. "State your business!"

"We've come to speak to the Dark Lord," Joey, speaking for the group. He continued to read off of the notes he had written down on his hand. "We wish for acceptance into his league of Death Eaters."

The man shot a questioning glance. They were hoping he was buying it.

Holding a box of a dozen doughnuts up, Matt added. "We brought doughnuts!"

Scurrying down, the man opened the double doors, panting furiously. "Wonderful. The Lord will see you now, follow me. You pastry people certainly have quick delivery time. We thought we'd be waiting forever for those to arrive. Bring the rest of them in while you're at it."

The group stood confused as the stout man walked on. Then they all looked to Matt, staring at them then to the box of doughnuts, knowing what he had done. "Well, how I supposed to know that delivery truck was going to their place? Plus I was hungry. I guess I shouldn't have eaten everything in the truck."

"_Multiplius_!" Kris said, tapping the box with her wand. The one box instantly turned into 20, too much for Matt to carry alone. Catching several boxes before they fell to the ground, the group followed the stout man into the mansion.

They walked the corridors, each place getting darker and darker the further they went down. It seemed impossible, though, since every wall was painted black. What would one expect from an evil sorcerer, you ask? Jess was expecting a paint job, or at least brighter colors. She decided her first task was to paint all the Death Eaters' masks in bright colors.

A/N: Okay, so that was the first chapter of my…well, story I suppose. So what do you think? What should go next? I was inspired by the 101 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort list. Take a look at the link. Just to explain to y'all, my characters are inspired by people I actually know, Josh (Joey), Jenn (Jess), Kristy (Kris), Mark (Matt) and myself (Lori, changed from Lena), so, yes it is a partial Mary Sue, with Harry Potter as the basis. Reviews and constructive criticism are always welcomed. And if it's flames you send, remember as always: Flames help me roast my marshmallows!


	2. Chapter 2

****

**CHAPTER 2- Marvolo?******

****

**How to Annoy Voldemort: What We Will Learn This Chapter  
1. Buy or bring him a stress ball.**

**2. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that, a washing detergent?' **

**3. Mock his baldness. **

"So…" Matt interrupted the silence, "where's the sign-up sheet?"

The stout man pointed to the double doors they stopped at. "I'll announce you at once."

The man cringed before he tapped on the door, not wanting to disturb his master's evil potting session oops, I mean plotting. After all, he was evil and he was potting…I mean plotting. Before he even tapped, a voice behind the door called, low and angry with a hint of eccentricity, "What is it, Wormtail?"

"Hm, he seems a bit upset…" Kris noted, sarcastically.

"I brought him a stress ball!" Lori cheerfully added.

Joey shook his head. "Lori, no happy."

Stiffening up her face to look serious, Lori reminded herself under her breath, "No happy, got it."

Buried deep into his evil potting uh, I mean plotting sat a fairly tall man, pale skinned, red eyed and bald headed. His exceptionally long fingers dropped his red pen as he rose from his mahogany chair backed with black velveteen, his long black robe swishing slightly at his feet. His presence was ominous, the lights flickering to his power as he walked towards them. Actually, they just forgot to pay the electric bill. Jess, however, didn't find it frightening. Quite the opposite, she whispered "_Glatze_" under her breath, making note of his bald head. Shooting her with menacing eyes like an arrow, Jess silenced herself.

"So, you four—"

"Five," Lori corrected him, jumping up and down to be noticed.

Letting her comment go, he continued, "You five want to be part of the Death Eaters?"

The five nodded. They waited for the speech, impressed by his impressiveness.

"Okay, give them the sign-in sheet."

* * *

"Well, that was easier done than said. And Sirius said it would be hard…" Kris scoffed.

"True, but…" Matt started, readjusting his grip on Joey's limp arms. "…he kind of killed Joey."

"He killed Joey! That bastard!" Lori shouted.

"Don't worry, he'll come back in next chapter," Jess grunted, readjusting her grip on Joey's legs.

"Well, Joey had it coming. He _did _insult his middle name."

"You know, I agree with Joey. What kind of a middle name is Marvolo, a washing detergent?!" Kris shouted.

"I HEARD THAT!" Voldemort shouted down the hall.  
  
_

* * *

_

_Back at __Grimauld Place:_

"Hey, Sirius, check this out. The kids say Voldemort's middle name is Marvolo."

Sirius looked at Remus questioningly.__

"Marvolo?" Sirius questioned. "What kind of a heck middle name is that, a washing detergent?"

A/N: Okay, well, there's chapter 2… Just wanted to clear a few things up. _Glatze_ is the German word for someone with a bald head. And two, Sirius will be alive in my…would you really call it a story? I don't think he deserved to die…neither did Joey but it was for the comical cause okay, so this isn't really comical. Remember, my marshmallows are good when roasted by flames!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

****

**How To Annoy Voldemort: What We Will Learn This Chapter**

**1. Paint all the Death Eater's masks in bright colors.**

**2. Laugh at him. **

**3. Write him a theme song. Sing it whenever he's about to say or do something particularly clever and nasty. **

The Death Eaters stood in block formation, hands folded behind their backs, waiting for their master to arrive.

"You know, this is just like block band," Matt noted.

"Speaking of which, one time…at band camp…there was this --," Lori started.

Bellatrix whipped around and held her finger to her mouth. "Shhh!" she cut her off.

Joey began laughing at the sight of Bellatrix's mask.

"Hehehe, it's pink," Joey laughed. Bellatrix then pulled out her wand, pointing it straight in the center of his forehead. Lucius shook his head in disapproval.

"No no no, Bella, it's too early in the chapter to kill him yet. And besides, it_ is_ funny. I mean after all," he said, holding back laughter as much he could, "It's pink."

"So what, Luci? Yours is magenta, purple and orange," Bellatrix reminded him, crossing her arms and coughing to retain her mirth.

"Hehehe, Luci?" Joey laughed again.

"AHEM!" A voice coughed loudly behind them all. Voldemort stood behind them and, taking one look at Bellatrix's mask, he fell backwards.

Jess put a questioning pinky to her lips. "Hm, he should join in on the fun."

She then whipped out a sticker sheet and put gold, red and yellow smiley face stickers on Voldemort's dilapidated and gray colored face.

"Yeah! Gryffindor colors!" Kris cheered, smiling broadly, clapping her hands together and jumping up and down.

Ripping the stickers off his face wildly and tearing Jess' sticker sheet into shards, he regained his sanity, trying hard not to laugh at Bellatrix and Lucius' masks. He then sniffed the air.

"Hey, I smell happy!" He glared at Jess, and then pointed at her. "You, why are you so happy?"

"It's my birthday!" she gaily responded. Lori handed her a present.

"But you said _yesterday_ was your birthday…," Kris thought outside her head.

"Uhhhh, no I didn't?" Jess responded sheepishly. Not responding, she whistled to avoid the truth. Yesterday wasn't even her birthday either. Lori tried to snatch the present from under Jess' arm, resulting in a tug of war. Billow clouds gathered around the now cat fight, the present now abandoned on the ground. Moving towards the present with feline motion, Voldemort grabbed the present.

"Today's not _your _birthday," Kris yelled at him.

"Uhhhh, yes it!" he responded quickly, running away, opening the present as he jogged. Finally breaching through the wrapping paper and the tape that sealed the box, he opened it slowly, just for some suspense.

(BOOM! Giant explosion and random shot of the Bikini island atomic bomb explosion.)

Voldemort gave a single cough, ashes flying out of his mouth. His face was covered head to toe in ashes, dark enough to even match his robes. Joey doubled over in laughter.

"I guess he didn't know that it was the 'giant explosion in your face' birthday year," Matt reasoned, scratching his head then shrugging his shoulders. Joey continued in his fit of laughter, gasping for air, he had no time to breathe.

Joey abruptly stopped laughing as Voldemort's shadow towering over him. The thunder rumbled in the background accompanied by strokes of lightning.

Cowering at the sight of Voldemort's menacing red eyes, Joey cringed. "Oh, no, not again!"

"Let's see," Matt started, "Lightning and thunder, Voldemort with a menacing look on his face…looks like Joey's going to die, that it does."

"Wait!" Lori randomly shouted. She pulled out a random tape player behind her.

"We can't forget the evil, creepy music in the background," she said as she pushed the 'play' button. (Evil, creepy music plays… )"Now Joey can die!"

Explosion of green light. Joey screams in anguish, stops twitching and dies.

"Next time, we should write Volders a theme song," Kris suggested.

A/N: none…Oh, wait, yes, I forget….Toasty marshmallows!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**What We Will Learn in This Chapter: **

**Offer him ice cream cake. **

It was just too early for it. How could five teenagers make so much noise at 5 AM? It was one of Voldemort's great mysteries as he stepped out of his bed chamber, unwillingly stumbling towards the quarters where Joey, Matt, Lori, Jess and Kris were.

"I swear, these kids are going to get to me before I get to Potter," he mumbled to himself, shuffling in his slippers, wand at hand.

He opened the double doors; the sight of five teens huddling over a box confused him. White foam was at their mouths. Maybe they'd gotten rabies, Voldemort thought to myself silently, that would be a good enough reason the kill them.

"What...the hell...is going on?" Voldemort stammered to say through each of yawns.

"It's _my_ birthday today," Kris declared enthusiastically.

"And how do you explain the rabies?"

Everyone looked ay each other and the white icing that traced around their mouths.   
"Oh, you mean the icing?" Jess questioned, showing him the icing she whipped onto the napkin from her mouth.

"What a shame, and for a second there I though I would have a reason to kill you," Voldemort muttered. Speaking louder, he corrected himself, "Oh, wait, yes I do. You woke me up at 5 AM and that's a good enough reason for me."  
"Well, at least eat some ice cream cake before you kill Joey again," Matt insisted, cutting him a slice.   
"Wait, what makes you so sure he's going to kill me?" Joey inquired.

"Because even when he aims for one of us, you still die," Matt answered him. "We love you that much to let you die for us."  
"Oh, why thank you, Matt," Joey grunted.

Voldemort continued to stare at the ice cream cake, wondering how it got the title of 'cake' when it was only made of ice cream. And how could this make people so happy? He supposed that imagining each cookie crumble as person and eating them alive was the answer. In one bite, he imagined Potter and Dumbledore squished in the ice cream cake on his plastic fork, being swallowed whole as the cake slid coolly down his throat. A small gleam ran across his face.

"I think he likes it," Lori giggled.

Lori spoke too soon. Voldemort grabbed his stomach uncomfortably, abandoning his plate and running out of the room.

"Ha! You see, Matt, now he's not going to have the chance to kill me this chapter! He's going to be on the can all day," Joey boasted.

"You knew you were going to live because you planned it before hand," Matt reminded him. "I saw you adding the poison to his cake."

Joey didn't care. He would just die another day, but today was his day of triumph as he took a bite of ice cream cake.

"Yeah, I know, I'm the man," Joey continued the boast.  
"No, you're the boy," Jess corrected him, "the boy who was so stupid that he cut two slices, adding a laxative in one and poison in the other, and not cutting a third slice for himself, so now he ate one of them!"   
"What?" Joey asked, scratching his scalp.

"That means, you're eating the one with the poison in it because Voldy took the one with the laxative," Jess informed him again.

"So you will die in five...four...three...two...one...," Kris began to count down before Joey hit the ground in a large slam.  
SILENCE ...............................................  
"Okay, well, I buried his body last time," Kris stated.

"And I did it the time before that," Lori interjected.

"Then it's Matt's turn," Jess decided, the rest agreeing in a unanimous but uneven decision.

Matt stared blankly, mouth agape.

"Wait why do I have to?" Matt complained.  
The girls stared at him with glaring eyes and Matt knew better then to mess with three emotionally unstable women, especially during that time of the month..........


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N**: Hey, y'all, thanks for the support. I really enjoy it.I don't know how funny this one will be, but I'll give it a shot. Here's hoping! Don't forget to read and review! Remember, flames roast my toasty marshmallows!

Lena "Mad-Eyes4U" "Akira" "Carter" Pearson  
**  
Disclaimer**: Lena fears lawyers, fines and jail above all else, so I won nothing except the souls of Joey, Matt, Lori (that's me), Jess and Kris. All characters created in the inigmatic mind of JK Rowling belong to her ... If there are any objections, feel free to kill Joey.

**Chapter 5 **

**What We WIll Learn ThisChapter:  
1) Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like, "You're the boss, boss" or "It's your funeral".  
2)Endevor to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say "Eeeexcellent".  
3) Get him drunk. **

It was 5 AM and Matt was already starting his morning. Since his friends were so dogged on staying underneath their comforters, Matt was left alone to do the task of opening the window for Artemis, who was incessantly tapping at the window.

"Thanks, Artemis," Matt yawned, too tired to be proper and keep his mouth closed.

"Yeah, thanks a lot Artemis….for getting us up at 5 AM! What's the matter with you, you stupid bird?" Joey groaned from beneath his sheets

Artemis hissed with an angered glare.

"Alright, I'm sorry! Just don't kill me! I'm supposed to die of something else this episode…"

Jess, Kris and Lori rose from their beds, waiting to hear Matt's news. Lori, finding no interest in the matter at hand, grabbed her MP3 player and laid back to read her manga entitled _Rurouni Kenshin_.

Giving the letter a last look over, Matt announced, "Okay, Remus wants us to actually do some work so we have to give him an owl within less than a week…"

"Why can't we just give him chocolate? Everyone loves chocolate!" Jess shouted out.

"Nah, I think we should actually do something. It's no fun annoying Voldy when there's no reason to do it," Kris interdicted. "Go on, Matt…"

Matt continued, "Yeah, um, Snape and Sirius say hello, noting to make fun of Voldy's middle name next chance we get….hmmm, oh and Harry says he's free Saturday, Jess."

Jess cheered and did her happy dance. (Happy dance will not be described due to strange references to a banana…)

"Hermione would also like to thank Lori for the signed autograph of Michael Vartan…"

Kris glared at Lori. "So that's where my autograph went to…YOU MOFO!!!"

"And I thought you were and idiot," Lori scoffed.

"Children, play nice," Matt urged. "Tonks says she won't go out with you, Joey, due to the fact that you called her fat during an argument you had a week ago."

"Damn! I wonder if pudgy would have been better…" Joey pondered.

"NOOOOOO!!!!" Lori randomly yelled.

Joey stared at the startled Lori.

"You think I should have gone with chubby?" inquired Joey, confused on her immediate and sharp response.

"What?" Lori mouthed, noticing Joey's stare. Then she realized why he was looking at her. She screamed bloody murder at a practical cue of comment. "Oh, no, no, I just got to the part where Kenshin narrowly avoided Saitou's attack. It was exciting! I just…"

Understanding finally that no none cared or didn't understand, she gave up trying to explain herself. "Nevermind…sigh…so misunderstood…"

"So, how are we supposed to get information on Voldemort's next move?" Kris asked.

"We could go to the Death Eater plotting session," Jess commented.

"Or we could be psychologists and psychosis it out of him!" Joey added naively.

"Or we could go to the plotting session."

"Or we could apparate in and out of his room quickly to annoy him!"

"That would get you killed, so let's go to the Death Eater plotting session."

"How about we get him drunk?"

"No."

"I know! Let's go to the Death Eater plotting session! God, I'm so smart!"

"Grrrrr……"

* * *

The large hall with the incredibly long table fell silent as Voldemort took his seat, which Matt was jealous of, primarily due to the fact that it was a comfy, swirvy chair that Voldy had taken from Matt's desk. 

"Alright, we all know what our objective is. Now, we just have to figure out how it's going to be done," Voldemort started. He bit into a large, jelly doughnut from a tray that was being passed around the room. "Any suggestions?"

"Yeah, mind telling me what our 'objective' is," Lori demanded with an innocent touch in her tone.

"Uhhh, well, the usually bad guy thing. Dominate the world, destroy all Muggles and Muggleborns, give Potter and Dumbledore the can…"

"But…why? He just too cute!"

**(Picture of Harry with a heart around him on a pink background)  
**  
"And Dumbledore _is_ kind of sexy," Jess commented.

**(Picture of Dumbledore with a heart around him on a pink background)  
**  
"You've got to admit," Kris said, biting into a Boston cream, "he's got style."

**(Pictures of Dumbledore at a fashion show)  
**

"Getting back on topic…" Lucius implored, groaning. "The school is incredibly weak, which is why I suggest that we attack Dumbledore first. He'll have no choice but to surrender himself for the safety of the school."

"I like that idea Lucius, very much indeed," Voldemort praised, steepled his fingers, and leaned back in his chair. "Eeeexcellent…"

Jess tapped Wormtail on the shoulder. She whispered, "I taught him how to do that."

"So, any objections?" Voldemort implored.

No one spoke. Then, muttering under his breath, Joey sarcastically commented, "It's your funeral…"

**(FLASH OF GREEN LIGHT then JOEY EVAPORATES)  
**  
**(…DEAD SILENCE…)  
**  
Breaking the ice, Kris asked, "So, now that we've got a plan, what now?"

"How about a party?" Matt suggested. The crowd, or lack there of, cheered.

**(5 MINUTES LATER...)**

Matt with a lamp shade over his head, said to Jess, "Now we can get him drunk, right?"

Jamming with Antonin and Lucius, Jess responded, "Yeah, sure, whatever…I've got the camera ready."

_**

* * *

**After the party, Kris took her time to write a letter to Remus, sealing it with a lipstick kiss on the back. Underneath the seal,it read "Kris loves Sirius and Sevvie in a pltonic, non-threatining way 4eva!" _

**_Dear Remus,  
We decided to actually do some work today, so yeah we have some info. Volders plans to attack the school. We've also discovered some hidden secrets in his personality. He seems very insecure about his style. Have Dumbles send some fashion tips. Also, he seems friendlier when he's drunk. You can see from the enclosed photo. Don't mind the lamp shade in the background; That's just Matt. He's also a quick learner. Jess taught him how to steeple his fingers and say 'Eeexcellent' just today. (I'd watch your back Sirius; he's got mad steepling powers, along with the killing and manipulation powers, too.) Also, tell Hermione to give me back my signed Michael Vartan photo. Lori stole it from me. IT'S MINE, I SAY, MINE!  
Hoping Snape washes his hair one day,  
Kris  
P.S: Jess says she's free Saturday, Harry.

* * *

_**

Thanks again for all the support! I'll be back next time with chapter 6 and a new Joey death. Yeah, I know, this one was kind of lame.....mabey he should get run over by a raging hippogriff....or get sat on by a troll.....nah, I'll leave it to Voldy. Drop some suggestioons on where I should got next and don't for get to hit that pretty button that says "REVIEW". I love you all in plutonic, non-threatining way! _**Lena "Mad-Eyes4U" "Akria" "Carter" Pearson** _


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